Benign my ass!

My kind forgiving heart is going to be the death of me. It sits there in my chest, so very jolly, pumping loads of red sympathy through my veins making it unbearably impossible to lead my life. You think it'd be easier that way, but it breeds an entirely new set of problems, and they're even harder to deal with because you're so goddamn soft. CHRIST!! This heart is a horrible cancer. I suffer with it everyday. And There's no amount of chemo, that will make it go away
(... perhaps not entirely true, but I had to jump on that little rhyme there.)

I have all day tomorrow

Most days I'm fine, but some days I remember just how worthless this is. Those are days like these. I'd go back if I could.

Lifted it from a pair of lead_lungs

.: x Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, and find line 4 --- "and deeper than did ever plummet sound,"

.:x Stretch your left arm out as far as you can. What do you touch first? --- my pillow

.:x What is the last thing you watched on TV? --- keeping up with the kardashians

.: x Without looking, guess what time it is: --- 1:04

.: x Now look at the clock. What is the actual time? --- 12:59 :[

.: x With the exception of the computer, what can you hear? ---the tv downstairs, and the birds outside

.: x When did you last step outside? What were you doing? --- yesterday, stepping out of the car so that I could get into my house

.: x Before you started this survey, what did you look at? --- Youtube, some marilyn manson music videos

.: x What are you wearing? --- nothing, jk, jeans and a shirt

.: x Did you dream last night? --- I don't remember it if I did

.: x When did you last laugh? --- yesterday

.: x What is on the walls of the room you are in? --- a small foam "O" from someone's arts-n-crafts kit

.: x Seen anything weird lately? --- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ldPYrM3kuCM

.: x What do you think of this quiz? --- entertaining

.: x What is the last film you saw? --- Scary Movie 3

.: x If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy? --- a house, a car, and a trip for my fam and friends

.: x Tell me something about you that I don't know: --- I like lutes and staring out windows

.: x If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do? --- make everything free

.: x Do you like to dance? --- no, well, sometimes; when I'm alone

.: x George Bush: --- blah blah blah, boring question

.: x Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her? --- Azura or Lilithe Grey

.: x Imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him? --- Ross Zidane (can you tell I play too many fantasy rpgs?)

.: x Would you ever consider living abroad? --- I already have, well considered it, not done it

SHUT UP! SHUT UP AND KILL THE BITCH!

because I'm not laughing and I'm not smiling.

Cliff located... *beep boop*....Calculating optimum trajectory....

Sambot: "I wish I was better at being human, my emotional programming is all out of whack."

Mad Scientist: "Do not fear my little android, we can fix that up...Shit."

Sambot: "What is it?"

Mad Scientist: "It seems I neglected to program you with thoughtfulness and initiative. Oh my, well this explains a lot."

Sambot: "I don't understand, is that a bad thing?"

Mad Scientist: "Yes, a very bad thing."

Sambot: "Oh dear, well at least I can blame you for that."

Mad Scientist: "Unfortunately sambot, you only have yourself to blame. I am merely a figment of your imagination...nation...nation..."

Sambot: "......"

The second can't come soon enough

I need a schedule, I need guidance, I need order, I need to get away from myself.

Turning about, in a circular fashion, will get you dizzy

I get it in my head, that slowly they'll realize, just how how much better they can do. I cut them off before they can tell me these things that I know, because that's a hurt I can't handle. And then I realize that maybe I was wrong and then I get that feeling like ice cubes in my stomach. After this I'll smile again, though something always happens to start the cycle all over again; It's this they'll eventually tire of.

Dammit, I'm going to hell I know it.

Dear homeless man with no legs in a wheel chair who had to push himself up a hill all by himself: I'm sorry I didn't help you. It's just that once someone told me that people with handicaps and disabilities don't want to be pitied, they just want to be treated like everyone else, so I completely ignored you. Well, next time I'll help you, and you can bitch me out if it really turns out you'd rather push yourself up that impossibly steep hill all on your own. I imagine it's really good for your arms.

Oh God....

Got back from Canada last night, watched shutter island, and then laid there for a few minutes in a quaking fear that my entire life and everything I thought to be true, was all a hallucination. I went to sit by my mother while she took her bath, which was weird, but I kept wondering if she kept all the crazy things I didn't know that I do, a secret from me; That the doctor I didn't know existed told her to for my own good or something. I wondered if she was struggling everyday knowing her daughter was a lunatic and it took every ounce of composure she had to keep from breaking out into tears every now and then because of my condition. I had to watch videos of kittens to fall asleep. Now it's today and it's all over, but I'll NEVER be watching that movie again. Holy shit, fucked me up for rEaLsIes..... Anyone who hasn't seen it want to borrow?

Shh...

I want to sit here alone in this hotel room and stare down at the streets forever; perfectly silent, perfectly content, and nothing on my mind but inspiration. I'll sip on a juice box that never goes empty and let my pen move itself across the pages in my journal, until I've written something so amazing that I can finally come out, back into the world ,because I've finally done something that I'm proud of. I'll ride the elevator down thirty floors, walk across the lobby and to the service desk; and then I'll see the bill for the room, and I'll die.

Need These

Sometimes I wish people would just shut the hell up.

--Here's a little poem I wrote:

Bringing up things just because you're happy you know about them. SHUT UP!

Talking about your grades because you're proud. what do you want? Props? SHUT UP!

Bringing up the friends you have that do cool things. Does it make YOU any cooler? NO! SHUT UP!

Talking about how people text you a lot. What do you want me to say? SHUT UP!

You're going out to party with friends, oh that's cool. I haven't heard from you in months, but nice to hear you're going out to party. SHUT UP!

*text* *text* Oh, you're not going to respond? Okay. SHUT UP!

Secretly there's no problem and you're not concerned at all, you're just bringing up shit to show off. SHUT UP!

Saying kind things and putting your arm around me because you think I need it. Don't Touch me. SHUT UP!

You're president of the what? Oh the rhetoric club? Yeah? SHUT UP! SHUT THE FUCK UP!!


--Thank you, Thank you. You were a great audience.

Duel my Brute

http://udei.mybrute.com

Panic!

My phone is dead and I can't find my cell phone charger. I'm desperately concerned that perhaps people are calling or texting me and I'm not responding and they think I'm an asshole and just ignoring them. Even if they aren't, at least I would know that they aren't. The guilt is deep.

Status Update #1

I'm trying to come up with a new idea for a blog post. I just woke up and thought I hadn't been on in a while and so decided to update.
1. I've become obsessed with this Korean boy band "Super Junior"(I
m listening to them right now.)
2. I've been afraid to sign onto facebook, for some odd reason, so I haven't been on in a long while.
3. Something is up with my throat and when I inhale too fast, or laugh, or yawn, or go more than and hour without coughing, I go into this huge coughing spasm and I can't stop. I've been doing it a lot and I hope I don't start coughing up blood or something, even though that'd be sort of interesting.
4. I NEED MY ASTRONOMY BOOKS NOW!!!
5. I wish I could dance, More than ever.
6. When am I going to have time for runes of magic again?
7. I haven't been very hungry or craving anything this week, well....except for sushi, but I haven't acted on it.

And....that's about all that's been going on in my life.

Easy-Bake

I had to clean the house today, because my little sister's friend was coming over for an easy bake party, which I thought was dull until I woke a few minutes ago....and tasted an easy bake cake.
It was frosted and amazing and delicious, it was soft and moist like nothing I've ever tasted before. I was very excited, to make another one.
But when I went into the kicthen, to pour my batter, THEY WERE MAKING COOKIES INSTEAD!!! I can't even wait until the cookies are done to make more easybake cake, because all the batter is GONE!!! My mom made it into a nasty normal-sized cake!!! NOBODY WANTS THAT!!! *sigh* EVERYTHING is ruined

Yon' Island In The Sun

I take anti-depressants. In the past I've made quite an effort not to miss a dose, because I know I'll crash. A day after I miss I'll get really dizzy and nauseous and then I'll start getting really depressed, what happens after that I'm not sure..now I do. I become really selfish.
Generally I'm very cautious about other people's feelings. Sometimes I won't move in a certian way or say what I'm really thinking because I don't want to upset people, or make them angry or something, however....since I've been off the meds...I fear a shit load of people now hate my guts. I flipped out into tears, because I couldn't find my freaking workbook for school, and then because I had to do chores, they were all in private, but were sufficiently obnoxious and relatively psychotic. I stressed out my mother, which I feel really bad about, upset my brother and I don't want to imagine what all I've done.
I feel like all that I need to do is get back on my medication, and back to my normal self, but then I wonder if who I am now, the natural me without sertraline pumping through my vains, is who I really am. And I wonder: if this is me, then the person who made friends with everyone I know now is someone else...does that mean I have no friends? Has the person they've known taken a break and handed me the controls for a moment making me some form of intruder?
The memories of our times, and everything they've trusted me with are still here, but If I'm not who they think I am, then should they be? Or is this some "true friends don't---blah blah blah" bullshit situation and I "shouldn't worry"?

It Started in my Stomache...

I woke up today thinking about yesterday; all the things I should have said that I didn't, and all that I said that I shouldn't have. All my mistakes made in action, and all those I made through inaction.